May 2011
April 2011
One of the less spoke about and almost forgotten symptoms of depression is tiredness. People seem to sort of think depression just equals being sad, but it’s so much more. I’m not talking needing a good sleep after a 12 hour shift on a ward (something I do as a nurse) but I’m talking about sleeping for 14 hours and falling asleep for another 14 hours after being awake for 2.
This gets in the way of life. Sometimes the energy it takes to formulate a thought is enough to exhaust me for 3 hours. If I’m in a depressive funk (my personal name for them) I will sleep 20 plus hours, get up to go to the toilet an having to go back to sleep. I’ve missed countless number of lectures, work, feminist meetings and even family gatherings because I’ve just been to tired.
Yet you’d be surprised how many people who just don’t empathise with this. I’m open about my mental health, but people seem to conveniently forget that I’ve got severe chronic depression when I miss occasions and seem to be able to justify shouting at me, leaving me out and sending me threatening letters. People just don’t realise that depression leaves me exhausted.
I don’t want to miss all the things that I do. Missing out 40% of my life through sleep that nero-typical people don’t need has not made my life any easier. It’s been a difficult process, especially now I’m living on my own at University. So everyone, if you know someone with depression please do not blame of get angry at them when they miss functions due to be tired. Because this isn’t just being “tired”, this is being so exhausted that thinking becomes a strenuous activity.
So basically this post is my life transcribed. Only I like to call my “depressive funks” as “episodes”. But otherwise, everything on here.
I used to think of it as brain juice. I’d have just enough brain juice to deal with a set number of tasks, and then the juice would dry up, and suddenly, I’d be so exhausted that the very act of moving my body became something I couldn’t do.
During my lowest, longest lasting funk, I collapsed during a shower, and just sat there, buck-naked, for about twenty minutes, unable to move or even yell for help. The feeling of powerlessness that washed over me was something that I never have any desire to feel again. I was too tired to even be anxious. I watched my thoughts slow down to a glacial pace; it felt like someone had entered my brain and forcefully stolen about twenty I.Q. points.
One of the things that I love about not being in a depressive episode is my ability to feel tired yet still powerful. To feel worthy of feeling exhausted; to not be scared that the exhaustion is going to stick. I love that I can feel my thoughts whir along at their normal pace; I love that I no longer shy away from thinking problems out, from analyzing a situation, from fully embracing a thought or a feeling. Its LIVING again, folks.
I just learned about the spoons theory — now I understand what it means when y’all are jabbering on about how many spoons you have — and I’m a convert. I have the spoons today to talk about everything that happened, but back then, I had few spoons. When they ran out, I crashed and burned.
Ugh. Depression. DNW.
It’s been a really pleasant surprise to rediscover how naturally energetic (to the verge of being slightly hyper) I am. At first, I was worried that it was some side effect of the sertraline, but then I remembered what I was like in my early 20s: exuberant, enthusiastic, ebullient, and all those other good e- words. As a college senior, I worked two part-time jobs, took 5 classes each semester (all of them 300-level seminars), wrote an award-winning thesis, read for pleasure, socialized regularly, and kept my room neat to boot.
When I’m suffering a depressive episode, I feel constantly drained. A good day was when I managed to accomplish one thing: meeting an advisor, having lunch with a friend, grocery shopping, vacuuming, going to the post office to buy stamps, finishing a book. Showering and getting dressed sometimes seemed like too much of a challenge. Plus, having been raised by people who are essentially energizer bunnies and who believe laziness is a moral failure only compounded the feelings of anxiety and despair over my inability to get it together.
Feeling capable of DOING ALL THE THINGS! is a blessing.
Feeling capable of doing all the things would be awesome! I’ve had a good experience with Lexapro in terms of stabilizing my mood but it makes me feel even more sluggish and unmotivated than I do while depressed. Anyone had good luck with Welbutrin? I really ought to talk to my doctor about switching.
There’s a channel dedicated to children’s education and entertainment called “Ki.Ka” (KInder-KAnal = “CHildren’s CHannel”). It’s aimed at children between the ages of 3 and 13 and funded by the state.
Right now I’m watching a 3 minute clip that shows boys how to hide unwanted erections, complete with drawings and animations. Then the presenters use an infusion bag, a tube and a balloon to explain how erections work and why guys can’t move their penis like other appendages.
I seriously wish American TV could teach people life skills and useful stuff about their genitals.
I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard I’m thinking about it, I’m certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.
…
I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can’t get into Harvard. We don’t know a thing about this guy. There are a lot of questions that are unanswered about our president.
” —Donald Trump, in an interview with the Associated Press, expresses his belief that there’s no way the President could have attended an Ivy League school, because I don’t know if you noticed, but our President is a black. One of “the blacks,” if you will, and the Ivy League should look like a Ralph Lauren ad, filled with white people playing polo on a sailboat, feeling feelings as their straw colored hair is artfully whipped around their faces by the wind rolling in from the Atlantic but not being able to express those feelings because they’re trying not to make any facial expressions in order to stave off wrinkles which, for white people, usually begin forming around age 28. (via morninggloria)
Trump, I know that you’re using “smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything” as code for “rich white boys with entitlement issues”.
(via ipomoeaandthestarstealers)
Okay everybody, reality is now subjective and your college degree isn’t valid unless it has Donald Trump’s signature.
That “What should girls STOP doing?” post on Facebook makes me want to barf. I voted for “Reinforcing patriarchy by using the word ‘slut’” but even that option rubs me the wrong way somehow, so I deleted it. Stop telling women what to do, faceless dicks of the internet!
alright, so i’m not this gigantic conspirator but the one thing i do believe (thanks, fox mulder) is that the government is hiding the existence of extraterrestrial life from the public. this is fabulous, fascinating, fuckin’ awesome, etc.
I’m skeptical of anything published by the Daily Mail, but this is really interesting. There are pictures!
If I opt to have my tonsils removed this summer, will they give me hydrocodone? Will it make me feel like a slice of butter… melting on top of a big ol’ pile of flapjacks? This is a serious inquiry.
Also, why is this on my Radar? I don’t want to see that grody bullshit.
I hate dat shit.
My sociology class is so chill. For the quarter project everyone has to give a 10-15 minute presentation on the sociological topic of their choice. This includes an extremely wide range of concepts, from David Koresh and the Branch Davidians to archetypes present in Disney movies. Some Bill Maher enthusiast/Islamophobe said his topic is “religion.” I think we all know what that is, thanks.
Anyway, I don’t know what I want to research. I’m thinking of profiling a famous sociologist, like Emile Durkheim maybe, but we’ve been over his study of suicide and all dat shit in class. I think there’s something more interesting out there.
Suggestions? Maybe I’ll do some gross performance art.
Im out bitch! signed my lease for my home in raleigh this weekend.
Congratulations, bro!
Annie - It’s the Hard-Knock Life
Empty belly life!
Rotten smelly life!
Full of sorrow life!
No tomorrow life!This has been the perfect song to listen to while cleaning since I was 4 years old & would play the album on my Fisher Price record player.
My mother was born and raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school. Took her children to mass every Sunday lest we all sin. The works. After being married 30+ years to an atheist and having 2 children (out of three) that identify as atheist, it’s this movie that made her first think that there might not be a god.
Julia Sweeney’s Letting Go of God
I really need to watch this asap
It’s hilarious, insightful, and just a little heartbreaking at times. I love Julia Sweeney.
I need to see this.
